How to Break Up With a Mentor That Isn’t Helping You

Finding a mentor is a common desire among people who want to improve their careers and professional skills. But few think about the day when they want to break up with a mentor when the person is no longer being helpful.

“I’m a very big believer that we should have many mentors,” Adam Mendler, host of the podcast 30-Minute Mentors, tells GlobeSt.com. “It’s highly unlikely that there is one person out there who can have all the information and knowledge for you. As you’re starting out, you’re probably trying to learn things more senior. As you move further along, you’d looking for someone to help you grow as a leader. How do I most effectively lead in today’s landscape? How do I hire effectively? Those are issues that you’re not necessarily are thinking about as you’re starting your journey.”

Over a career, that means you are probably not going to keep in the kind of close contact with all your mentors that you once had because you won’t need to keep learning the same things. “It’s your job as a mentee to figure out how to unlock the value. What does this7 person  bring to the table that brings value for me?” Mendler says. You need to optimize time with people, important not only for you but them.

“A mentor-mentee relationship is like every other relationship,” he says. “We have friendships that last our lifetimes, and we have friendships that fizzle out It’s like every other relationship. It requires both parties to want to continue the relationship.”

“The easiest thing you can do is not do anything,” Mendler says. “Most people take the hint. You don’t have to take dramatic action. You might want to take dramatic action if you find that it’s a one-sided relationship and the other party is unpleasant and doesn’t seem to understand your messaging around no longer wanting to be in the relationship.”

But the easiest approach is often not the best. “In life, you should be wary about leaving a bad taste, regardless of who you’re dealing with,” he adds. “At the end of the day, try to get along with everyone, be your best self, and treat people as well as you can.” People have put effort into helping you. “There are many different ways to say thank you. You could say thank you by giving a gift, by [taking the mentor] out to lunch, by hosting them at an activity they enjoy. The most important thing is being genuine by expressing your gratitude.”

The main point is to maintain the relationship, even if not in the same way. “Don’t be afraid to have an open conversation,” Mendler adds. “Say, ‘You’ve helped me get to this point. I want to keep you in my life. However, I’m at a phase in my journey where I feel the amount of time we’re spending together is time I should invest in this way. Can you advise me how I can spend my time in this way? Do you know people who can help me in this area? And continue that relationship. Even if you’re not meeting with a mentor once a week or once a month, there will always be a way they can add value to you, and you can add value to them.